What is it that keeps us circling around a topic or an unexpressed feeling - talking around the actual thing - talking about, well anything at all really - rather than get straight to the thing itself?
I have noticed in coaching sessions the need to 'tell the story' - almost as a way to justify or explain - even rationalise some action or perspective. This comes up in couples and teams too - and I have been struck recently that even organisations will spend time, effort and often substantial resources engaging with the obvious activity or topic - that thing which seems to be the source of the tension - almost as a precursor to taking some action to tackle the actual cause. It brings to mind an image of things flying: I see a great bird circling around the site of the nest - or even a huge aircraft circling around and around an airstrip - awaiting the eventual instruction to land. Is it necessary to take this diversionary path for some other reason? Is it about more than just some kind of displacement activity - putting off the unwanted or imagined outcome for as long as possible?
The bird is for sure taking some time to check that no predators are around - making sure that the area is safe to approach in an effort to prevent giving away the location of the home base. It's about protection and security then?
So what are we protecting when we talk around an subject?
Ourselves?
Our audience?
Feelings?
I have noticed in myself that I am circling in an effort to make a gentler landing - to not appear harsh or overly direct. I imagine that this gentler approach will ease my listeners into something that might be unpalatable - wanting to avoid a rather sudden presentation of the issue at heart. A bit like walking around a sharp corner and being suddenly face to face with something or someone that I hadn't expected. There is that immediate recoil, sometimes a literal back-stepping before being forced to deal with the who or whatever is there because of the very palpable presence.
In a coaching conversation its important to ask that very powerful, open question that brings the subject to the fore. "What is this really about?" or even "What are we avoiding here?" Getting straight to the matter at hand certainly means that we are then engaging with the source of any tension or discontinuity. Part of the alliance - or agreement - that I will have designed with a coaching client or a team or group will mean that there is an acceptance of this approach and that my role as coach will get to this point quickly and then bring other powerful questions to bear to identify what the team or individual wants to do from there.
Does the circling activity that takes place outside a coaching conversation happen partly because there is no outwardly spoken agreement or acceptance that it is safe to go straight to the source and so we are spendng some time circling - looking for the predators who may pounce on our vulnerability?
Really interesting, Graham. I have people in my life who are more than acquaintances but less than friends, and it is they who circle the most. As a direct lander myself, with no coaching skills whatsoever, I frequently feel the urge to sever their flight feathers and shout "Just tell me what this is all about!"
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of societal politesse involved here as well, I think. And that bizarre thought that we all get occasionally - that people should be mind-readers and understand what it really is I'm trying to say!