Howling at the Moon
A space for reflecting on the stuff of life that comes out of the pool that is a coaching conversation.
Why the Wolf ?? Why Coaching??
The relationship humanity has with the wolf reminds me of the relationship we have with our inner self - that aspect of who we are at heart and what we really want in life. I connected with this part in myself whilst doing some personal development work many years ago and have felt a connection with the wolf ever since.
Sometimes in the course of coaching individuals and groups I am stuck by the wisdom of a word or expressed thought from those I am working with. Welcome to this space where I will muse on that wisdom. PLease feel free to join in - share yours with us...
Sometimes in the course of coaching individuals and groups I am stuck by the wisdom of a word or expressed thought from those I am working with. Welcome to this space where I will muse on that wisdom. PLease feel free to join in - share yours with us...
Friday 16 July 2010
Boundaries, edges and comfort zones
The other day while sweeping up hedge clippings in my garden which overlooks the front street I inadvertently decimated an entire ecosystem or two. The old rusted and bent rake tines reached into the right angle between the pavement and the wall, scrapping clear the minature jungle of plants and the soil which had collected there. I noticed the mayhem I had just delivered on this small world as I rested to catch my breath and take in my efforts. I realised then that this narrow linear world continued along the entire length of the base of the wall - some 50 or so feet. I was really struck by the gathering of soil in some areas at the very edge of the pavement at the point where the verticle of the wall began. In other parts where soil had been gathering for longer there were the first signs of small sprouts and elsewhere fully established clumps of grasses and the flowerings of other plants. I was so struck by this organic boundary being built and added to - fortified with new networks of roots capturing even more wind-blown soil which in turn builds a stronger foundation for even more growth. The very heavy rains of the recent few days had failed to wash these now well established islands away.
As I looked around the street I noticed more shoring up activity at the edges of cracks, the boundaries between one kind of tarmac and the later repair as well as at the joints in the coping stones at the pavement's edge.
Edges are where it is all happening. The transition of one kind of plant zone and another forms the basis of years of study for botanists in the same way that the junction between the sea and the land does for many marine biologists. It is a specialist area of study.
In coaching a frutiful area of work centres on the saboteur or gremlin voices that we all are affected by in one way or another. These internal voices - seemingly having their own character - are internalised aspects of others, or developed self-talk based on some childhood or later adult learning that end up becoming an unconsious 'rule for life'.
"Your not good enough" and "Don't get above yourself",
are two common versions of this. There is some thinking that the saboteur voice is a psychological lifeguard. We are kept safe by some aspect of ourselves that has become deep rooted: When we are scolded as a child not to run into the busy road we internalise this over time to prevent the very real risk of injury in this situation. When we translate this into a message of anti-risk taking in general it is easy to see how it could become a limiting factor in life and work - holding us back form taking the risks that might lead us into new exhilirating experiences. This very simplistic example does highlight the very human habit of setting up rules - or boundaries - in our lives and although these for sure serve to offer some necessary structure, like all structures they can become set in stone if we inadvertently allow this.
With coaching clients I notice that the closer we get to one of these phycological boundaries - the louder the internal saboteur or gremlin voices become. The work we do together in the coaching relationship deliberately gives character to these voices - focusing on how they might act in certain situations and what they might say in response to particular questions. Doing this work it becomes clear to me that over years these characters have cultivated their own jungles at the boundaries they have created in the psyche. Commonly referred to as comfort zones the edges of these have been so fortified and defined that for some people they feel almost insurmountable: The jungle that has grown there having taken on a deep dark dimension too scary to venture into. Even when the origianl rationale for this boundary was saftey - to prevent harm - it has broadened its sphere of influence to limit and so hold back movement and personal growth.
The lack of attention I had given to my gardening had allowed the boundary between path and wall to become a little overgrown - defined by the increasingly strong growth of wild things. The less attention we give to our own edges, boundaries and borders the more difficult it will be for us to break free of them.
Tuesday 29 June 2010
Circling to Land...
What is it that keeps us circling around a topic or an unexpressed feeling - talking around the actual thing - talking about, well anything at all really - rather than get straight to the thing itself?
I have noticed in coaching sessions the need to 'tell the story' - almost as a way to justify or explain - even rationalise some action or perspective. This comes up in couples and teams too - and I have been struck recently that even organisations will spend time, effort and often substantial resources engaging with the obvious activity or topic - that thing which seems to be the source of the tension - almost as a precursor to taking some action to tackle the actual cause. It brings to mind an image of things flying: I see a great bird circling around the site of the nest - or even a huge aircraft circling around and around an airstrip - awaiting the eventual instruction to land. Is it necessary to take this diversionary path for some other reason? Is it about more than just some kind of displacement activity - putting off the unwanted or imagined outcome for as long as possible?
The bird is for sure taking some time to check that no predators are around - making sure that the area is safe to approach in an effort to prevent giving away the location of the home base. It's about protection and security then?
So what are we protecting when we talk around an subject?
Ourselves?
Our audience?
Feelings?
I have noticed in myself that I am circling in an effort to make a gentler landing - to not appear harsh or overly direct. I imagine that this gentler approach will ease my listeners into something that might be unpalatable - wanting to avoid a rather sudden presentation of the issue at heart. A bit like walking around a sharp corner and being suddenly face to face with something or someone that I hadn't expected. There is that immediate recoil, sometimes a literal back-stepping before being forced to deal with the who or whatever is there because of the very palpable presence.
In a coaching conversation its important to ask that very powerful, open question that brings the subject to the fore. "What is this really about?" or even "What are we avoiding here?" Getting straight to the matter at hand certainly means that we are then engaging with the source of any tension or discontinuity. Part of the alliance - or agreement - that I will have designed with a coaching client or a team or group will mean that there is an acceptance of this approach and that my role as coach will get to this point quickly and then bring other powerful questions to bear to identify what the team or individual wants to do from there.
Does the circling activity that takes place outside a coaching conversation happen partly because there is no outwardly spoken agreement or acceptance that it is safe to go straight to the source and so we are spendng some time circling - looking for the predators who may pounce on our vulnerability?
Monday 21 June 2010
Longest day - time for deeper thoughts
The Summer Solstice as most know these days is a time when the sun is above the horizon in the northern hemisphere for the longest time in the whole year. A day for enjoyment, meeting and connecting with friends, family and others as well as taking stock on how the year is going.
In Co-active Coaching terms this is also a day for Inquiries - an inquiry is a broad, open question that has no right answer but the potential for many answers. A tool to help us reflect on something at a deeper level and just let whatever thoughts want to come to the surface.
So on this long day here are a couple of Inquiries:
"What is it to celebrate?"
"What am I not allowing to surface?"
Happy Solstice!
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Frustration and annoyance...
What is the purpose of frustration and annoyance? When this turns up - like today - what is served by these feelings???
I have found it interesting over the years that cleaning or having a clear out brings a lighter feeling to the day. Whether I am in a state of feeling good before starting or in a place of hearing strongly the voices of the gremlin - I end up having a sense of a new place to start from - even a strong feeling of "Ok, So what's next?" that extends beyond the washing of dishes or vacuuming the carpets. Its a deeper broader sense of clearing the cobwebs from my thinking and reconnecting with that small-awe of a new shaft of light shining through the shadows bringing the small-marvel at a world of dust and particles circling around each other like some cosmic dance in minature.
I have come to the point of taking the feelings of frustration and annoyance as a sign to do some cleaning. Even if I am totally disconnected to what it is in my life that needs a shake and clear out it is simple enough to pick up some left lying clothing, sort out those dishes left for later or wash the windows - and bit by bit that thing in life that requires attention makes itself known. This would hint at a life filled with cleaning up and housework - not true. Housework is one area in life that no matter what cores are tackled around the house - there are always more queuing up for attention. No worries there then.
What is it that needs some light shone on it today?
Why the Wolf? Why coaching?
The relationship humanity has with the wolf reminds me of the relationship we have with our inner self – that aspect of who we are at heart and what were really want in life. I connected with this part in myself while doing some personal development work many years ago and have felt a connection with the wolf since then.
Many of us seem unconnected to this natural part of ourselves – our instinctive place of clarity. This said most or us have a strong sense of something there – frequently when its about something being ‘not quite right’. Even when things are going well in life there can be a sense of just not feeling satisfied or fulfilled – that certain something we just can’t put our finger on. What is this about?
This natural or innate part of us can be left stranded, successively pushed away by the demands of the world we live in, the stress to succeed, to develop, to be happy. At our core though this more wild aspect seeks a fulfilment based on what is truly important to us – values and desires that may have been forgotten since childhood. It can often be experienced as a simple hunger to do something with our lives that has some meaning: Never fully explored or acted upon as we have followed a path of what is expected of us by family, culture or some other pull of the modern world we move increasingly away from this purpose. As in the wild-born wolf there are heart-instincts which pull us to be who and what we are - an innate knowing which sometimes will take us on solitary journeys at points in life as new territories are sought out, treks are made in search of a mate, food or new hunting grounds. The delight in other moments at being one with the pack – working together, being in company, a sharing. Sound familiar??
In coaching we can focus on this ‘at-heart’ aspect of what YOU are really about, bringing clarity to the yearning you have had that continues as an unanswered and increasingly unmet desire. We can also work at quickly and effectively connecting you to your natural ability to seek out what you truly want, identifying and removing blocks that prevent you from journeying onwards. Utilising decision making methods based on perspectives and creativity a renewed energy is fuelled as well as a re-engagement with the rich feelings you have about what is going on in your life and work at the moment.
You may choose to work over a period of time on a long felt aspect of yourself which remains unsatisfyingly present in your life. You may want to work quickly on a block you are experiencing which is preventing you from moving forward with a project that is happening right now. You may want to work together with others in your family, team or agency on aspects that keep your ‘pack’ from effectively reaching the goals you are all aiming for
Many of us seem unconnected to this natural part of ourselves – our instinctive place of clarity. This said most or us have a strong sense of something there – frequently when its about something being ‘not quite right’. Even when things are going well in life there can be a sense of just not feeling satisfied or fulfilled – that certain something we just can’t put our finger on. What is this about?
This natural or innate part of us can be left stranded, successively pushed away by the demands of the world we live in, the stress to succeed, to develop, to be happy. At our core though this more wild aspect seeks a fulfilment based on what is truly important to us – values and desires that may have been forgotten since childhood. It can often be experienced as a simple hunger to do something with our lives that has some meaning: Never fully explored or acted upon as we have followed a path of what is expected of us by family, culture or some other pull of the modern world we move increasingly away from this purpose. As in the wild-born wolf there are heart-instincts which pull us to be who and what we are - an innate knowing which sometimes will take us on solitary journeys at points in life as new territories are sought out, treks are made in search of a mate, food or new hunting grounds. The delight in other moments at being one with the pack – working together, being in company, a sharing. Sound familiar??
In coaching we can focus on this ‘at-heart’ aspect of what YOU are really about, bringing clarity to the yearning you have had that continues as an unanswered and increasingly unmet desire. We can also work at quickly and effectively connecting you to your natural ability to seek out what you truly want, identifying and removing blocks that prevent you from journeying onwards. Utilising decision making methods based on perspectives and creativity a renewed energy is fuelled as well as a re-engagement with the rich feelings you have about what is going on in your life and work at the moment.
You may choose to work over a period of time on a long felt aspect of yourself which remains unsatisfyingly present in your life. You may want to work quickly on a block you are experiencing which is preventing you from moving forward with a project that is happening right now. You may want to work together with others in your family, team or agency on aspects that keep your ‘pack’ from effectively reaching the goals you are all aiming for
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